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BIG WHITE NARK SEEKS ESG&EC PLAYING CARD

November 19 Augusta.

The Big White Nark announced his long-rumoured intention to seek entry to the ESG&EC tour next year.  The Nark said, "I need another challenge.  The European, Asian and American tours are now second tier events.  The top players from those tours need to be able to take the next step so I am proposing a system of promotion and relegation, just like in the English FA."

Although ESG&EC officials refused to comment on the issue, disgraced former President Seve Hemosteros was more forthcoming.  "When we started up five years ago and offered him a spot, the choker told us to piss off.  Now he's got his eye on the money we generate from endorsements and pay TV.  He started banging on my door two years ago with his unrealistic demands.  I mean, he doesn't tell the public this, but he wants to play off 7, and I told him his handicap wouldn't be any less than 11.  The blokes on this tour would just eat him up off 7.  I can't see it happening until he accepts he'd just be a little fish in a big pond."

When questioned on his recent impeachment, Mr. Hemosteros was far less informative.  Was it true that his links with failed Perth businessmen Bondie and Laurie led to his demise?  "No comment."  Did he really rent Bondie's Swan River mansion for an annual rental of $1?  "No comment."  Was he part of the Rocket Racer sting?  "Look, I was just trying to help a couple of old mates re-establish themselves with the big end of town.  People from all over were just throwing money at me.  I even had reverse charge calls from some asthmatic in Majorca talking about where he might hide some cash from the authorities.  Now, where's the harm in that?"