CLUB FOLKLORE

WHITE BOARD AFFAIR DOGS HANDICAPPER

August 1 Canberra

ESG&EC handicapper, Tubby Waldorf, was under increasing pressure to resign from his honourary post today as allegations of widespread sports rorts were raised in Federal parliament.  Mr. Waldorf, often described in Sunday gossip columns as a prominent racing identity and confirmed bachelor, was accused by opposition leader Alexander Downer of failing to observe the rudimentary protocols of golf handicapping.  Mr. Downer said, "The annual WS Cocks Plate Spring Match Play Championship held at the R&A is one of Australia's premier sporting and cultural events, combining the pomp, ceremony and tradition of a British Open with the raucous behaviour of German beer hall patrons.  Allegations of widespread rorting and abuse of position should not taint this wonderful event.  Mr. Waldorf's statement that the handicaps issued for this tournament were fair and reasonable remains unsubstantiated.  I have requested the records of previous tournament handicaps be tabled in the parliament."

Tubby, who claims to have kept tournament scores on tags normally used to identify butchers deliveries, and to have worked out each years handicaps on a white board kept in his bedroom, says that a young relative erased the details from whiteboard the day before the allegations were raised in parliament.  "I'm personally devastated by Alexander's comments as he is well aware of my meticulous nature.  I still have the receipts from the first cow I sold in 1975.  Tell him not to ring for the tips on Saturday if he's going to continue to go on like a pork chop!"