ESG&EC Folklore

DAVIDSON LOVE III WINS ESG&EC PRESIDENCY

AND IMPLEMENTS ROMAN NUMERALS POLICY

Fellow Members,

It is with great pride that I accept the ESG&EC Presidency. It was encouraging to see DCCCLXV (865) members cast their votes, a strong reflection of the numbers we see at most tournaments.  I believe that after years of turmoil and blatant self-interest, the time had come for a change of administration. Everyone can now look forward to a phase where the club can operate in a calmer and more democratic environment - no longer will the radical right prevail. You can be sure that the conservative lefties (who still prefer to be known as southpaws from their days of affiliation with the Newtown/Erskineville Branch), will bring a moderate and sensible approach to the club. For any members who remain disaffected by the vote - I note there were VII (7) dissidents who voted for the status quo - The African (Big Jack Daley) has offered to show you what a good left is.

In my first decree, I hereby declare roman numerals to be the club's official numbering system.  I think the membership will be less confused if there's only VII (7) or VIII (8) characters they've got to remember and, besides that, I've always liked the way they looked at the end of my name.  During the XII (12) month transition period, both systems will be displayed on all club communications.

I expect to announce the club's new administrative team after meeting with my advisers, Big Jack Daley and Edwardo Romero, next month at Camp Davidson. As a gesture that shows no recrimination against the previous hierarchy, I intend to appoint a more humble Per-Ulrik Fatcatsson as my media and information officer and he certainly should have his hands full implementing my first decree. Seve Hemosteros has offered to assist with the management of courses north of the Hawkesbury and negotiations are already in train with potential legal and treasury advisers.  I confirm my adherence to the club's strict "no women" policy at both playing and board level.

On a more practical note, a reminder that the MMX (2010) World Series is scheduled for XVII-XXI (17-21) May.

Thank you for entrusting me with the running of the ESG&EC.  I ask no more than to receive the same amount of respect that each of you has shown over the years to our past Presidents!

Davidson Love III
ESG&EC President IV.

BATTLE FOR ESG&EC PRESIDENCY

STATEMENT FROM PER-ULRIK FATCATSSON
PRESIDENT OF THE ESG&EC

Fellow members,

Many years ago I was called upon by my club to take the leadership in difficult circumstances.  I did so knowing that my experience in public life was limited and that I did not hail from the factional group that had traditionally supplied leaders of the club.  But I accepted the call to serve and was elected to the leadership without dissent.  Others had the chance to stand, but no one did.

Since that time I have given my all for the members of the ESG&EC.  Working for their needs and aspirations has been my sole intention and it has guided my every action.  We have secured some great achievements including:

• The best on-time tournament schedule in a decade;
• Our best literacy and numeracy results in twenty years - nearly 85% of our members can accurately write their name and handicap on a scorecard and over half can now tally their stableford scores without error; and
• Sweeping reforms of our membership vetting process.

Before recent events intervened, I was intending today to launch the club's blueprint for the future, a fully-funded $180 plan to cover our needs for the next 30 years.  But instead of talking policy, here we are talking leadership once again.  And I say this, that the time for talking is over.  Throughout my presidency, my ability to do good has been impaired at every turn.  A malign and disloyal group, well known to the membership, has made the business of club governance almost impossible.  Yesterday I received a text message from Davidson Love III, the public face of these dark backroom forces.  It said, "I've done the numbers, met with Romero at The African's (Daley's) place and announce my intention 2 (sic) challenge 4 (sic) your presidency.  Fall on your sword and a takeover will be swift and painless.  I expect an immediate formal statement from you acknowledging the transfer of the club presidency to me."

The presence of such a power-hungry group within our club is intolerable.  Their treachery and disloyalty can be borne no longer.  For that reason, I declare a spill of all postions within the ESG&EC with a ballot to held on Monday, December 7.

It is my intention to break the hold of these malignant forces on the life of our club.  I am determined to continue cleaning up our club, I am determined to maintain the integrity in our handicappoing system.  More than that, I swore an oath of loyalty to the membership, an oath of loyalty and an oath of service.  And I say to them today, I will not hand control of the ESG&EC over to Davidson Love III, Edwardo Romero and Big Jack Daley.  The old regime will never again dictate the fortunes of our club, nor will they regain of what they covet most, control of the handicaps.  I will lead one sort of club and one sort of club only - one that is modern, ethical and progressive, a club in which the golfers of Earlwood can have confidence, trust and respect.  These are my standards and these are my beliefs.  I will settle for nothing less.

Should I not be President after the ballot, let there be no doubt in your mind, no doubt, that any new leader will be a puppet of Edwardo Romero and Big Jack Daley.  That is the reality - that is the choice at stake.  The decision now lies in the hands of the membership.

Thank you.

ALP LEADER DENIES RUMOURS

Today, in amazing scenes at a hastily organised press conference, the leader of the consortium of Australia's Losing Punters (ALP), Tubby Waldorf, refuted claims of a sordid past life that included drunken brawling with cab drivers, drunken indecent behaviour at bucks parties and drunken serial womanising.

The emotional leader stressed that, while he had lived a full life and continued to do so, the allegations were without foundation.  He claimed his enemies, many of whom would never like to see him return to the high life on the hallowed turf of Royal Randwick, had maliciously spread the allegations.

Close to tears at one stage, Mr. Waldorf admitted to being at many bucks' parties in the '80s and '90s but denied "to the best of my recollection" any wrongdoing.  To support his case he nominated two companions, Amber and Crystal, whom he regularly ferried to and from these events and would support his claims of good behaviour.  "These girls work in Surry Hills and can be contacted after 10pm most nights at their Albion Street terrace," he told interested journalists.

In relation to the run in with the cab driver, Mr. Waldorf stressed that he was simply trying to establish "Who's in charge?" or "Is money a problem?" and he placed the blame for any physical altercation firmly in the hands of a former late night drinking companion, JP Hayes, and the driver.  "I had to stop catching cabs with JP - he's prone to cab rage once the meter ticks over $5 and he's not home.  This wasn't the first cabbie he'd come to blows with."

Mr. Waldorf hoped to have close friend, Notah Kelly III, appear today as a character witness but he failed to show.  The leader brusquely dismissed rumours that he and Notah have not spoken since a drunken incident in Brisbane at a birthday party for Mr. Kelly's partner.  "It's just another example of the absolute crap coming from people who claim to be friends of mine.  They're just trying to play with my head."

BIG WHITE NARK SEEKS ESG&EC PLAYING CARD

The Big White Nark announced his long-rumoured intention to seek entry to the ESG&EC tour next year.  The Nark said, "I need another challenge.  The European, Asian and American tours are now second tier events.  The top players from those tours need to be able to take the next step so I am proposing a system of promotion and relegation, just like in the English FA."

Although ESG&EC officials refused to comment on the issue, disgraced former President Seve Hemosteros was more forthcoming.  "When we started up five years ago and offered him a spot, the choker told us to piss off.  Now he's got his eye on the money we generate from endorsements and pay TV.  He started banging on my door two years ago with his unrealistic demands.  I mean, he doesn't tell the public this, but he wants to play off 7, and I told him his handicap wouldn't be any less than 11.  The sharks on this tour would just eat him up off that handicap.  I can't see it happening until he accepts he'd just be a little fish in a big pond."

When questioned on his recent impeachment, Mr. Hemosteros was far less informative.  Was it true that his links with failed Perth businessmen Bondie and Laurie led to his demise?  "No comment."  Did he really lease Bondie's Swan River mansion for an annual fee of $1?  "No comment."  Was he part of the Rocket Racer sting?  "Look, I was just trying to help a couple of old mates re-establish themselves with the big end of town.  People from all over were just throwing money at me.  I even had reverse charge calls from some asthmatic in Majorca talking about where he might hide some cash from the authorities.  Now, where's the harm in that?"

ESIC SCAM WARNING

The Earlwood Securities and Investment Commission (ESIC) has issued a public warning regarding "get rich quick" schemes, in particular those involving horse racing.

A senior ESIC spokesman, Seve Hemosteros, addressed a packed media conference on the subject earlier today.  "One scheme in particular, Tubster's 100% Winning Bets, has been brought to my notice by commission staff.  I warn the public of the risks associated with this scam, and the history of its promoter, the elusive Tubby Waldorf.

"Our research shows that the promoter has once again embarked on a multi-media marketing blitz.  Ads are now appearing in local and national newspapers under various headings including 'I was a successful schoolboy punter and nothings changed over the last 30 years' and 'Punt drunk and winning'.  Local radio stations are even playing the scheme's catchy jingle, 'Bets all day, drinks all night, Tubby, Tubby', on their high rotation lists.

"Members of the public, drawn by a loosely worded money back guarantee, are told to ring an 0418 mobile number and register to receive at least one winning tip on each of the next four Saturdays.  The person's credit card is immediately billed for $140, a $100 registration fee and a $40 charge for access to a recorded message on each of the Saturdays.

"Remember the old adage 'If it sounds too good to be true then it probably is'.  The money back guarantee only applies to the weekly $10 access fee and then only if a winner is not mentioned from among an average of 20 tips per race meeting.  The rest of the money goes into administration fees and is not covered by the guarantee.

"The public should be aware of Mr. Waldorf's previous dealings with this office.  In 1994, the commission found him guilty of deceptive conduct over the promotion and activities of the 'If it's good enough for my cash, why wouldn't you want the tip' scheme.  A number of his clients sought help from the commission when they found out Mr. Waldorf did not back the horses he had tipped.  It found his excuses that the horses in question did not represent value, as they were much shorter in on course betting than he had anticipated, or that unforeseen track conditions did not favour his selections, to be spurious at best.

"Clients also complained of receiving the same recorded message on each of the first three Saturdays - 'Sydney race 1 - 2 to win from 4 and 5, races 2 and 3 - no tip (2yo events), race 4 - chances 2, 4, 6 and 7 (seven horse field), race 5 - 4 to beat 1, 2 and 3, race 6 - chances 1, 2 and 3, race 7 - 2 to beat 3, 6 and 11, race 8 - 1 or 3'.  When formally questioned by ESIC, the promoter denied that his social activities were more important than providing a reliable and up-to-date service to his clients.  'Between dances, dancers and dessert on Friday afternoon at my city club, Men's Gallery, I review their complimentary Sportsman and I always check the weather and track conditions when I get the cab home on Saturday morning.  That the numbers may have been the same on those three days is just a strange coincidence, but obviously the horses racing at the second and third meetings would have been different.'  When confronted by the fact that races 3 and 4 on the second Saturday were the 2yo events, and on the third Saturday there were only seven races, Mr. Waldorf stated he suffered from a rare form of Anslow Dehydration (AD) that adversely affected his recall of most weekends.  He produced a medical certificate from a local AD expert, Morisset physician Dr. Talbear, which supported his statement.

"When questioned about his expertise as a tipster, he said 'I throw it all into the equation - weights and measures, breeding, programming, sectionals, likely race scenarios, jockeys and barriers - and then I make my selections.  It probably takes me about 2 hours per meeting.'  He was then shown exhibit A, a Sportsman recovered from the Men's Gallery.  'Do you play darts at the club?  'No.'  'Can you tell the commission what has caused these numerous small indentations in the form guide?'  'No.'  Exhibit B was then produced, and Mr. Waldorf was informed it was an affidavit from the owner of the Bexley North haberdashery shop.  'Are you familiar with term lucky pin?'  At this point, Mr. Waldorf waved his medical certificate and declined to answer further questions.

WHITE BOARD AFFAIR DOGS HANDICAPPER

ESG&EC handicapper, Tubby Waldorf, was under increasing pressure to resign from his honourary post today as allegations of widespread sports rorts were raised in Federal parliament.  Mr. Waldorf, often described in Sunday gossip columns as a prominent racing identity and confirmed bachelor, was accused by opposition leader Alexander Downer of failing to observe the rudimentary protocols of golf handicapping.  Mr. Downer said, "The annual Match Play Championship held at the R&A is one of Australia's premier sporting and cultural events, combining the pomp, ceremony and tradition of a British royal coronation with the raucous behaviour of German beer hall patrons.  Allegations of widespread rorting and abuse of position should not taint this wonderful event.  Mr. Waldorf's statement that the handicaps issued for this tournament were fair and reasonable remains unsubstantiated.  I have requested the records of previous tournament handicaps be tabled in the parliament."

Tubby, who claims to have kept tournament scores on tags normally used to identify butchers deliveries, and to have worked out each years handicaps on a white board kept in his bedroom, says that a young relative erased the details from whiteboard the day before the allegations were raised in parliament.  "I'm personally devastated by Alexander's comments as he is well aware of my meticulous nature.  I still have the receipts from the first cow I sold in 1975.  Tell him not to ring for the tips on Saturday if he's going to continue to go on like a pork chop!"

JACK AND THE FAMILY JEWELS

Big Jack Daley rewrote the record books with an all the way win in World Series of Golf VII.  Big, an avowed amateur golfer and leading proponent of the Anslow hydration theory, became the first of the high handicappers to have his name engraved on the World Series trophy.

SG Treweek, the leading Central Coast postilion, emceed the tournament dinner staged in the El Lago's sumptuous Out the Back Out of Sight and Away from Other Guests Room.  After presenting his good friend with the winner's trophy and gold jacket, SG enthralled a captive audience with some of his favourite yarns about old Foster Cosgrove (Big's alter ego) and his work as 'an artificial inseminator of sheeps (sic)'.  But the story that had the audience in stitches was how Big got SG back on track after a lengthy battle with a young jockeys worst fears, increasing weight and laced cookies.

"I had a lot of friends trying to help me out.  Larry Olsen rang with tips about controlling my weight through diet and exercise.  Good mates Simon and Aaron even phoned with the name of their new cookie supplier.  I tried everything but was going nowhere fast.  But it was Big who literally grabbed me by the horn and said, 'Son, it will take ya about a week, but I can get ya down to 48kgs.'  He told me it was only a couple of weeks ago people had been taunting him with the nickname Lucky.  You know the fat bloke who plays Bargearse on the Late Show.  Well, since I was struggling to ride at 55 kgs I thought I'd give it a go.

"On day one, he had me out on the Entrance Road at 5am for what was supposed to be a 24km run.  Big paced me on his pushbike, doing it tough with two cartons of Resch's strapped to the handlebars.  After a kilometre, he called a halt.  He opened the top flap on both cartons and took out a stubby from each.  He threw me one and said, 'Get this into ya SG, it stops ya dehydrating.'  Well I knew he was involved with some wacky hydration theories, but in the thirty seconds it took for him to finish his beer he was able to give me a real good insight into its leading principle.  'Son, ya dehydrate, ya die.  We'll be stopping every kilometre to make sure ya don't die.'  The first couple of stops are still pretty clear in my mind but after about 6ks it becomes a total blackout.  I woke up in a roadside ditch next to a bloody and unconscious Big and his badly damaged bike.

The sun had set and although I was in an unfamiliar area, I estimated that we were no further than 19ks from home as there were still 5 beers left in each carton.  After about 10 minutes I was able to flag down a passing horse float and the driver helped me haul Big into the back.  I tended to some of his injuries but was horrified to see the condition of his dusters, so badly swollen they were the size of grapefruits.  When he came too, I suggested we go straight to The Entrance hospital to have a doctor look at his nuts.  He laughed and said, 'SG, these are the family jewels, passed on from father to son, the curse of the Daley men.  Now ya know why I'm called Big.'  I didn't want to alarm him but I said, 'Big, at least they are in some way sized in relationship to the rest of you.  Here, get a look at mine.  The trainers call me lead bags!'

"He just whistled and didn't say anything for a minute or two.  I could see he was deep in thought.  'SG, they are the biggest set of dusters I've ever seen on a jockey.  No wonder ya having weight problems.  How often do ya get them milked?'  I had no idea what he was talking about and put the comment down to his extreme hydration.  He must have seen the confused look on my face because he then added,  'Son, ya need a good woman to milk 'em every day or they start to back up and get real big and heavy.  I've been fortunate enough to meet and marry someone as accommodating as sweet Catherine.  Find someone to milk 'em and ya'll be back in the saddle at 48kgs a week later.'

"A jockey's lifestyle makes it hard to meet a good woman, but with Big's words ringing in my ears I set out to find my perfect partner.  Three successful years have followed and I owe it all to your new champion and my good mate.  Thanks a lot Big.  I can see that the princess has pulled up outside.  If you don't mind fellas, I'd like you all to meet her.  SG went outside to the car and brought his spouse back to the presentation area.  In a room where you could have heard a pin drop, he said, 'Members of the ESG&EC, I'm pleased to introduce you to my beautiful wife, Tammy.  Tammy, the members of the ESG&EC....."

CLUB BUSINESS

The golf and euchre fraternity traces it's origins to the guilds and craftsmen who built golf courses in medieval Europe, where members devised secret methods of recognition, including the use of strange and occasionally amusing nicknames.

Members believe the club provides a code for building character based on the application of spiritual, ethical and moral standards to the games of golf and euchre.  Belief in a Supreme Being (Right Bower or Handicapper) is a prerequisite for membership, though all faiths are accepted.

The club was established in 1812 and still meets at the Earlwood Hotel Grand Lodge on Homer Street.  Inside the public bar exists a hierarchical world of nicknames and secret handshakes, where raised glasses denote seniority, and where Worshipful Masters, Grand Wizards and King Poobahs administer Club business.

Long cloaked in ancient all-male rituals practised in strict tournament secrecy "north of the Hawkesbury", the movement is seeking to introduce new blood in a bid to halt a decline in their aging membership.  Change has never come easily to the club, but new recruits are no longer required to just remove their trousers during initiation ceremonies.  Initiates must now also remove their underwear and bare their chests to prove they are not women.

The Earlwoodians like to say they are not a secret club, only a club with secrets.  To improve their image, the doors to one of their most elaborate, and hitherto, one of the most secret ceremonies - the issuing of tournament handicaps by Tubby, the Grand Wizard of Figures and Bovine Culture - is being thrown open to the public.  "People see us as being far more secretive than we really are.  The idea of having an open handicapping day is to show people, including our members, that they have nothing to fear from the process.  It is just like a bad haircut," says Grand Master Per-Ulrik Fatcatsson, "In two weeks time, who cares?"

Fatcatsson, the man charged with leading the club into the new millennium, has forwarded to the King Poobahs (the Club's Board of Directors) a petition signed by a quorum of members to:

• Increase the number and duration of tournaments,
• Offer members better facilities, and controversially,
• Give loose women greater access to club social functions.

The Poobahs believe all three motions are within the spiritual, ethical and moral standards of good club governance, and they will be voted on at the next Annual General Meeting.

DICK DROPS OUT - MAY BE BACK NEXT YEAR

Golfing legend, Dick Faldo, has again announced his intention to miss this year's World Series of Golf.  His management spokesperson, Deb the Decent, read Dick's statement to a large media gathering.  "I regret that, due to personal and business commitments, I will again be unable to play in the years World Series of Golf.  The week of tournament play is an arduous and expensive adventure and I do not have sufficient time nor funds to prepare for its demands.  I hope that my many fans will not be disappointed and I am devoting all my energies and spare coins towards playing next year.  Good luck to all competitors."

Dick, along with fellow sexagenarian and legend Arnold Palmer, is credited with bringing the big crowds and lucrative sponsorships to the World Series with his "quick wing" swing and socially intemperate drinking.  Tournament spokesmen, Java Haas, said, "While his continued absence is a major blow to organisers and fans alike, it will give a number of the younger members a chance to jump out from under his enormous shadow."

MILLER'S "NO TAH" KELLY'S SWING

Chris Miller's caustic comments about Notah Kelly's golf swing had the player and his colleagues hitting back today.  Miller, the R&A Marrickville pro, said Kelly had a swing that would make Ben Hogan "puke".

"It was close to the bone," Kelly said of Miller's critique, which also included a comparison between Kelly's swing and that of a one armed woodchopper.  "Sure my swing isn't pretty, but it can occasionally work."  Kelly has received a lot of support from fellow ESG&EC members who felt Miller crossed the line.  "So we stuff up quite a few holes, he (Miller) stuffed up even worse with that comment," said another high handicapper, Tack Nicklaus.  Fellow 30-something handicapper, Tubby Waldorf, who has won both ESG&EC majors playing right handed with a left handed grip said, "I've always said to Notah that what is important is the end result, not how crook your swing looks."

ESG&EC swing coach, Seve Hemosteros, also defended Kelly.  The respected tutor, who has worked tirelessly on and off the course with Kelly over a number of years, understands why criticising a swing can be construed as a personal attack.  "A swing reflects many things in an individual and Notah's swing is dictated to by his build.  He just can't get his arms up and drop the club on the inside.  His swing comes over the top and cuts across the ball, coming from outside in.  For a good golfer, it is a power fade.  For Notah, the result is a slice.  Costantino Blocker is another player with an unorthodox swing, and from a purist's standpoint, his swing would also fail Miller's 'puke' test, since it is the opposite of Kelly's, coming from the inside out."

Hemosteros argued that the only good swing is one that gets the ball in the hole in the fewest number of strokes.  "Hey, Notah's had a very mediocre professional career and he doesn't come close to cutting the mustard, even as a journeyman.  But we all have to understand that golf is his passion so he doesn't mind hacking around a course with a very ordinary swing.  In the end, that's all that matters."

Kelly also pointed to a host of current players who might not have classical swings, but have effective results.  "Shigeki Moroneyama knows how to get around the golf course and he'll go down in history as a two-time Match Play Champion.  Tubby Waldorf and Soldier Montgomerie both won majors with unorthodox swings.  Dick Faldo has such a short back swing people say he could hit a ball from inside a phone booth.  Even Tack Nicklaus has a flying right elbow."

Kelly was also upset about Miller using Hogan's name when lampooning his swing.  The late American, who won the US Masters, the US Open and the British Open in the same year, was recognised as having one of the best golf swings of all time.  "I don't understand how he can use someone else's name when he doesn't know what they would be thinking," Kelly said. "Mr. Hogan was a hell of a player.  Miller should stand behind his own comments rather than use Mr. Hogan as a shield."

Kenny Crenshaw, an analyst for the local broadcasters, steered clear of the controversy.  "I'm pleading the fifth," Crenshaw said.  "In my commentary I try not to criticise the person.  If a guy screws up as often as Notah does, the pictures are worth a thousand of my words.  I just try and explain how and why he did it, no matter how difficult that may be."  In an amazing post script to this public spat, Miller has almost literally been sent to Coventry - the R&A in Scotland - as a sop to the powerful Earlwood PGA.

THE FORD FUNK INTERVIEW

Originally published in the ESG&EC Golf Digest, the following transcript is from an interview conducted by David Feherty with the then Match Play Champion, Ford Funk.

David Feherty Q:  What did you do with the prize money that you received from winning the Championship?

Ford Funk A:  Four days later I dropped the whole lot into a wanger (poker machine) at the Hunters Hill Hotel.

Q:  The Championship was your first major win.  Has it changed your life?

A:  No.

Q:  Surely after such a win you'd have received a number of lucrative offers to play in exhibition tournaments?

A:  No.

Q:  I am truly surprised.  Have you received any offers?

A:  Yes.  At 2 o'clock one morning, actually it was a week to the day after my win, I received a telephone call from Rochester.  He told me that if I gave him the prize money from the tournament (AUD$250), he would give me a piece of paper on which he had written the PIN number and access codes to large savings or TAB accounts held by two prominent and wealthy golfers, Seve Hemosteros and Tubby Waldorf.

Q:  What did you say to him?

A:  I told him I had lost it all.

Q:  What happened next?

A:  He said "Shit!" and hung up.

Q:  Did you hear from anybody else?

A:  Yes, Don Lane rang to congratulate me.

Q:  Don lives in New York!  How did he find out about your win?

A:  Well I hadn't spoken to him for some months.  He rang because Rochester had rung him trying to sell him the same details.  During their conversation Rochester told him that I had won the Championship.

Q:  What else did Don Lane say?

A:  He didn't say much - he was more annoyed than anything else.  After Rochester's call, he'd received a number of unwanted telephone calls from Tom Murray, a very persistent character, who was desperate to find out Rochester's whereabouts.

Q:  Anything else?

A:  He did say he'd just bought a really big glass coffee table and he was hoping to have a few friends round soon to lay down some cable.

Q:  I don't think we'll go there.  Have you been getting in a few rounds as you prepare to defend your title?

A:  Yes, I have been playing at the R&A with my son, Max.

Q:  There doesn't seem to be any standout player in the field this year, can you repeat your victory?

A:  Is young Aaron Faldo turning up this year?

Q:  Last question, where will the Kogarah Gold Cup be held this year?

A:  We'll play at Balgowlah and eat at the Grand View at Hunters Hill.  We have to return to the old venues.  Last year I had to sit next to Tack Nicklaus in the restaurant whilst I was sober.  I am getting too old for that.

HOOTIE AND THE GOLF FISH

Wharf Road, which leads to the front door of the R&A Marrickville, is adorned by 61 trees planted in the 19th century.  And so, in a manner of speaking, is the ESG&EC membership directory, which since it's inception has been entirely male.

Club President, Per-Ulrik "Hootie" Fatcatsson, maintains there will be a female member at his club one day.  It just won't be because Max "The Padre" Wood said there should be one.  It won't be because women plan to protest outside the tournament next month.  And it won't be over his dead body.  "If I drop dead right now, our position will not change," Fatcatsson said. "It's not my issue alone."

Fatcatsson has gained international notoriety for his refusal to buckle to pressure from women's groups, and sections of the media, and invite a woman to join the world's most exclusive golf club.  His final, unprompted statement at a pre-World Series of Golf news conference was intended to make the point that he was not some lone, arch-conservative bending the club policy to suit his will.  What he managed to convey, unintentionally, was that he was just the public face of a pack of similarly minded, beer guzzling, golf and euchre playing arch-conservatives who have put the tournament's reputation on the line because they refuse to be told what to do.  Not by anybody.

When asked if Wood's very circumspect legal and religious opinion that the ESG&EC should have a female member carried any weight, Fatcatsson muttered darkly, "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?" before regaining his composure to comment, "I won't tell Max how to say Mass if he doesn't tell us how to run our private club.  There's nothing wrong with, if you have sound traditions, sticking with them."

At the start of his widely anticipated press conference, Fatcatsson had said he would not take questions on the issue of female membership because 'everything that could be said on the issue has been said'.  "We are a group of men with similar interests getting together periodically for camaraderie, just as thousands of other citizens do with clubs and organisations all over Sydney," he said.  "Just because we host single-gender invitational golf and euchre tournaments, and that many of our members are famous sportsmen, should not cause us to be viewed differently."

But Hootie's club, and their major tournament itself, has been viewed differently since women's rights activists wrote to him in June last year asking that he consider inviting a female member.  The problem for ESG&EC, and the World Series, was that Fatcatsson's brusque reply that the club would not change its opinion "at the point of a bayonet" gave the issue legs.  The ESG&EC cast itself as an obdurate old-boys club.

Quickly cajoled into taking questions, Fatcatsson did not profess any regrets about his role in the debate.  With the support of his members, the local public and many in the golf world, Fatcatsson continues to defend the all-male membership on the basis the ESG&EC is a private club.  "Just because we present two world-class sporting events a year doesn't affect our private club status," he said.

But, more than club privacy, what Hootie also purports to protect is the right of men and women to congregate separately.  "It's been going on for centuries and centuries that men like to get together with men every now and then and women like to get together with women every now and then," said Fatcatsson.

When asked if there would be a female member by 2025, he said, "I can't speculate on what might happen in 20 years time." Having released its major sponsors to protect them from potential boycotts, the World Series is being shown commercial-free on pay television.  Fatcatsson said the tournament could continue indefinitely without endorsement and that it's traditional donations to the Children of Reschs Drinkers (CORD) charity would not be affected.

Despite the intense media attention the issue has attracted, Fatcatsson said the tournament's reputation had not been harmed.  "Well, it's been maligned but I don't think it's been damaged," he said.  "We've come through much bigger controversies than this before.  Remember the Pavin-Hemosteros euchre table pissing duel or Big Jack's tragic racecourse impersonation of Father Up - a swearing, beer drinking priest betting the local church's plate collection on the favourite in the last at Wyong one day.  With a male only club, our reputation remains teflon-coated."

Like Popes, ESG&EC Presidents tend to be become senile and die in office.  Despite the controversy, it is likely Fatcatsson's reign will continue, perhaps even long enough for him to greet the first woman member.  "You're not going to get rid of me any time soon," he said.

DAVIDSON LOVE'S TRIPLE TREAT

The Holy Grail of Golf, four majors in a decade, appears at the mercy of the Croydon super golfer, Davidson Love III.  The young shark mannequin claimed his 3rd WS Cocks Plate Match Play Championship in 6 years today with a scintillating display, combining powerful driving with a deft touch around the greens.  Love, after a perfect front nine on The Royal and Ancient Marrickville links course, was never in trouble against an ineffective and out of sorts Per-Ulrik Fatcatsson.

In presenting the winner with his blue jacket with white pinstripes, club handicapper, Tubby Waldorf said, "This jacket is made out of finest Waldorf family tartan and it gives me great pleasure to present it to you.  May you continue to bring home the bacon in future years."  A gregarious Davidson said, "I've always felt confident about winning this major, even when I was a golfing nobody.  Putting on the Waldorf tartan is a real buzz, a part of the grand tradition of this event and, let's be honest, it gives me a walk up start if I want to take up a butchery apprenticeship.  From the moment this years draw was announced I've had a horn thinking about my chances."  Mindful of further embarrassing his family, Davidson moved on to thank them, his supporters and tournament sponsors, and promised to defend his title next year.

The runner-up, Fatcatsson, was presented with a sleeveless T-shirt in the Cavey Pavin family tartan - white with a large yellow L printed on front and back - by Club President, Java Haas.  Although conceding he was clearly outplayed by a focused and experienced opponent, the runner-up muttered darkly about an incident on the first tee.  "I got stung and it wasn't by a bee."  Urged to elaborate, a despondent Per-Ulrik said, "He psyched me out.  He won the toss, shook my hand and whispered in my ear, 'Ever been this close in a major Ohio Fatboy?  Your grip feels as slippery as a walrus!'  Well that was it, I just turned to jelly."  Asked about the personal nature of the sledge Davidson responded, "Rubbish, absolute rubbish.  It's not part of my game.  I just wished him all the best and happened to mention he reminded me of a young Tack Nicklaus, or possibly an older Craig Stadler.  He must have misunderstood the compliment.  Anyway, from what I observed today, losing a few pounds wouldn't do him any harm."