CLUB ROLLS OUT PINK WELCOME MAT FOR
2012 AFL TIPPING COMPETITION
SYNDICATE FAMILY DAY
AT CALLALLIN LODGE
Luddenham, January 2012. Team Callaughan graciously hosted a tour of Callallin Lodge for Smoke Da Greyhound syndicate members and their families. Guests were given VIP access to all areas, even spending time getting sneezed on by the "kennel" pony.
At days end, the Callaughan's were surprised to be awarded ESG&EC's accreditation standard ESGEC ISO 00001, the highest standard available for kennels. The accreditation recognises quality in accommodation, feed, spatial awareness, animal handling and swimming pools.
Video clips of the day can be viewed from the New Pups area of the web site.
NRL & AFL TIPPING
COMPETITIONS NEED YOU!
Earlwood, January 2012. Tipsters of all skill levels, especially patsies, are invited to participate in the ESG&EC's 2012 tipping competitions.
As well as the regular NRL competition, this year the club is introducing an AFL competition for people with an alternative lifestyle. Both competitions carry an $80 entry fee which must be paid prior to the start of the respective seasons - NRL March 1st and AFL a few weeks later, March 29th
Detailed rules and guidelines pages can be viewed in the NRL and AFL areas of this web site. Profits go to assisting the club's many underachieving golf and euchre players.
CHAMPION GREYHOUND
PUPS FOR SALE
Earlwood, December 2011. Join in Earlwood's most successful Ponzi scheme (est. 1995) by purchasing a pup from the ESG&EC affiliated Smoke Da Greyhond Syndicate.
The surviving 9 dog litter is by Dyna Lachlan out of Smoke Da Tubby and can be viewed at the Callallin Lodge kennels, Luddenham. Dyna Lachlan ia a multiple Group 1 winner and "Tubby" is a Wentworth Park winner.
The asking price is a modest $2400 and all enquiries can be directed to the syndicate manager and accredited Ponzi Master, Notah Kelly III.
MATCH PLAY TITLE STOLEN
BY BANKSTOWN BOVVER BOY
Marrickville, November 2011. The 2011 Match Play Champion is Henney Stenson. He defeated Tubby Waldorf 3 & 1 in front of a healthy and distinctly pro-Tubby crowd.
ESG&EC officials were forced to physically defend themselves from an angry membership after Stenson's victory erased an unwritten rule from the club's statutes. The resignation of long-time handicapper, Professor Dick Shearman, did little to appease the blood lust of enraged spectators.
The mob were finally placated when President Love commissioned the Fatcatsson Review to look at the ESG&EC business model. The findings of the review can be read in the folklore area of the club's web site.
SMOKE DA TUBBY'S
LITTER OF 10
Luddenham, October 2011. The ESG&EC's Smoke Da greyhound syndicate is pleased to announce that our little champion, Smoke Da Tubby, gave birth to 10 pups over the weekend.
The brood of 3 dogs and 7 bitches was sired by Dyna Lachlan which raced 47 times for 25 wins (two Group ones and metropolitan victories at Angle Park, Sandown, Wentworth Park and Albion Park) and 11 placings.
A visit to the Callaughan kennel is being organised to say "hello" to the children and "well done" to mum.
CRENSHAW WINS
NRL TIPPING COMP
Earlwood, September 2011. Newtown Jets Immortal, Kenny Crenshaw, has won the ESG&EC's NRL tipping comp. In a bobbing finish which came down to the last game of the last round, Crenshaw's margin was officially declared as a big nose.
Grantief Goosen finished second, a point behind and lamented what could have been a breakthrough season, "A semi-finalist at the Euchre Championship, runner-up at the World Series of Golf and second here. I've really got no one to blame for this latest catastrophe other than my new life skills coach, Henney Stenson, who in attempting to eradicate my putting yips instead managed to transfer them to my football tipping."
Club mascot and associate, Anthony Blue Sheedy, completed a club trifecta with his 3rd placing.
CRENSHAW NAMED AS 8TH
RUGBY LEAGUE IMMORTAL
Petersham, August 2011. Kenny Crenshaw, the ESG&EC's 2009 Match Play Champion, was last night named as the Newtown Jets 8th Immortal before a packed Petersham RSL auditorium.
Crenshaw seemed initially reluctant to accept his ascension. "It wasn't until Mrs Crenshaw told me it didn't mean I'd live forever, certainly not as long as she had a say in things and access to my super, that I felt comfortable about the award."
Jets supremo, JR Ewing Rowney, said, "Ken's role will be to visit older Jets players, either at home, hospital or jail, and relive their glory days through today's technology. We've loaded an iPod with all 3 versions of the Jets theme song, a withering selection of half time sprays from coaching greats Clarrie Jeffries and Chook Raper, as well as a few ol' Danny Boy calls of classic Jets games, including the 1-0 win."
NICKLAUS NOUS FREES
WESTS TIGERS BENJI
Downing Centre Sydney, August 2011. Club legend Tack Nicklaus appeared for Benji at the Downing Centre Local Court where after a two day hearing assault charges against the footballer were dismissed.
Outside the court, Benji praised the crafty Five Dock legal eagle and said they'd exchanged some career saving advice early in the piece. "His was really simple and elegant - he just told me to tell them to go and get f@*ked. In return, I suggested that if he wanted to remain on my team, he needed to sharpen up his image and drop the 1980's leisure and pleasure clothing range. I think we're both winners now although I'd still like to see him discard the manilla folder briefcase - it's not real secure and it looks cheap."
Earlwood, January 2012. The ESG&EC today announced plans to run two football tipping competitions this year. In addition to the club's existing and popular NRL competition, this season will see an AFL branch grafted onto the club's on-line gambling money tree.
The press conference held in the tranquil setting of Turnell Square Gardens, opposite the Earlwood Hotel, was expected to deal with the spate of rumours surrounding the recent and unexpected resignation of the club's handicapper, Prof. Sir Dick Faldo. Social media sites have suggested that the respected former official's club-issued credit card had been used regularly to procure services at a number of prominent Sydney brothels, as well as for frequent weekly cash advances, totalling a staggering $47,600 in suspect transactions over the nine months prior to his standing down as handicapper.
Struggling to be heard over the baying media pack ESG&EC President Love said, "Let's not get off message here, I will deal with that matter later. Today is all about an opportunity for new money, not the manner in which club officials fritter it away. We are extremely mindful of the pressing need to generate new revenue streams as mooted pokie reforms threaten to decimate our executive team's tax-free allowances. I think it's a wonderful gesture for us as a sporting and cultural juggernaut to exploit the wider community, especially the non-heterosexual market, and get some of those pink dollars flowing into our coffers. I mean, the beauty of it is, what would they really know about aerial ping pong other than it's played by young, fit men in tight shorts! At season's end, there'll be a small, sweet honey pot waiting to be snapped up by one of our sporting boofheads."
When pressed on the specifics of the new competition, Mr Love invited the club's media and IT officer, Per-Ulrik Fatcatsson, to address the conference. "There was no time for a feasibility study - Davo just said we need a diversion from Dickiegate, and reaching into the back pockets of the Oxford Street Sydney Swan set for a dollar or two seemed the ideal distraction. I'm looking for a soft start in 2012 - hopefully we can get 30-40 punters to put their cash in and we'll take something off the top. The format will based on our successful NRL competition - a mixture of scratch and handicap selections. There are some briefing notes I can give you or you can look up the interim guidelines on the club's website."
The focus then returned to Love's defence of Professor Faldo. "Dick has provided me with a detailed and completely plausible written explanation - his credit card was unknowingly removed from his possession every Friday, then used in an unauthorised manner overnight before being returned to his wallet the following morning - apparently it's not the first time this sort of problem has occurred although not on the scale of 38 weeks in a row. I have the utmost faith in him and I'm absolutely sure that if he was using these intimate, erotic and perverse services for personal gratification he would have invited me or his predecessor along for the ride. At this time, our forensic auditors, Anslow Wojcik Instant Solutions, believe the misappropriation to have been committed by some villain familiar with the Professor's Friday drinking habits, and with unfettered access to his bedroom and wallet. Despite media speculation and some previous form in the overnight borrowing of Dick's plastic for similar services, our investigators have stipulated that Hunter Meehan is not a person of interest at this point in time. No more questions - thanks."